Top Ten Worst Films of 2017


2017 has been and gone and it’s very much in the rear view mirror, but as tradition stands, we go through my thoughts on the best and worst of the year list.

Now this year I wasn’t able to be as definitive as I normally am because I didn’t see as many films this year. This is mainly down to several aspects including several train strikes, which meant that for the majority of the beginning of the year I was confined to watching films in Manchester because of rail works.

I also started side project ‘Anime Amigos’, so as a result, I had to watch a lot more Anime than I normally do and I was on deadline to watch several projects. So you will forgive me if I didn’t go the cinema as much as I could have done, since, going to the cinema for me takes up at least half of my day, as most of my local cinemas are out of my way and the easiest one for me to get to is in Liverpool.

That being said, when I did go to the cinema this year I saw some brilliant works and also some terrible stuff. Now, here is the report card.

This year was one of my best years for films so as a result, the Worst of list was a bit harder to do since most of the bombs I saw were very high profile. It’s also, because of that, that I didn’t go to see a lot of films that had terrible reviews, a few exceptions withstanding. This is the major reason I didn’t see films like Geo Storm, as I didn’t want to see another dumb Gerard Butler action film, which makes you really think that Mean Tweet might be correct and he might actually be trying to pay off a student load debt, which is the reason he is in so many of these terrible films. Or, for example, the poor adaptation of The Dark Tower, which proves that Stephen King might have had a good year with It, but, of course, for every one good adaptation of one of his books we seem to get a bad one. I also didn’t see many of the films that made Mark Commode’s list, including the Charles Manson biopic, that chose not to be a biopic and I also didn’t see Tom Hanks and Emma Watson vehicle, The Circle. Though, considering the low amount of publicity, I am not entirely sure that this has come out in the UK yet, so that might be a warning in advance.

As for the worst films I saw this year, there were some pretty poor showings. Now, usually my Worst Films of the Year list consists mostly of the dread that comes out between January and March and this year was not much of an exception. But, I actually found some of my Best films were out at the same time too and the bad films were most of the exception rather than the rule. In fact, some of my Worst films came out around Blockbuster season. Granted, I didn’t see a lot of awful films this year, most of the film’s I gave negative reviews for were rather underwhelming, which is why you won’t see films like, Valerian, City of a Thousand Planets on this list.

But, here’s my list below, as it stands, as usual I am going to list
dishonourable mentions first, in alphabetical order.

Alien Covenant – Despite the fact I said this was one of the better sequels, I went to see it a second time after hearing the criticism for the film and, yes, my feelings are rather soured to this one. Alien Covenant is by no means the worst Alien sequel, I still stand by that insurrection, but Covenant is really a nothing film that has a problem explaining way too much, where explanation wasn’t needed. It didn’t make the list, however, though, because as I said, I didn’t think it was the worst Alien sequel to date.

Boss Baby – While it’s not entirely fair to have the Boss Baby on the list, since for the most part it is a harmless kids film, it’s not exactly good either. It’s very much a ‘by the numbers animated film’ and was one of the worst animated films I saw all year, though, granted that probably because I didn’t see films like The Nut Job 2, but I am certain the Nut Job 2 was probably worse that I have decided to not put it on the list for that reason.

Fast and Furious 8 – Fast and Furious fans might get a kick out of this one, but I am really sick of this franchise now and this film feels even dumber. The film doesn’t even have the courtesy to kill of Paul Walker’s character. By no means the worst film Vin Diesel did, the reason it nearly made the list, was because it’s just not that fun anymore and just feels even stupider than usual. But the reason it didn’t make the list was because the one film that tried to imitate it’s success and did it much worse!

Sword Art Online Ordinal Scale – This is one long trek that has almost completely killed my interest in Sword Art Online. The film was designed to be a bridge gap between the second and upcoming third season that will premier later this year, but I suspect it will kill off even the most hard core fans of this franchise. It doesn’t make the list, however, because, let’s fact it, Sword Art Online has been going downhill for a while now, what chance did this film of taking things back.

Forty Seven Metres Down – The final dishonourable mention really comes in because I thought this was going to be much more clever shark film that it actually turned out to be. It is probably the worst horror film I saw all year by a long stretch, because it just feels stupid and I didn’t really like the conclusion, all things considered. And, yes, that does mean I didn’t see Rings, before anyone asks but I am certain that would have made the list if I had seen it.

Now, for the actual list.

10. Beauty and the Beast

This entry is going to make me some enemies, but I don’t care. Beauty and the Beast is the most pointless remake I have seen in a long time. The film coast by on the success of the original animated film from 1992, but it doesn’t realise what made that film successful. Half-heartedly doing these scenes with terrible renditions of Alan Menkin’s songs including some new ones that feel crow barred in, with some of the worst examples of auto-tuning I have heard in a musical in a long time. It will make you wonder what Emma Watson was thinking when she turned down La La Land to be in this film! Not only is this film so much of a shot for shot remake of the original with almost nothing that made the original work in this one, it also has some new elements added in that have no consequence whatsoever and feel like they have been crow barred in just to add some difference between the two. The film was clearly made by people that really liked the original and didn’t want to change anything, but as a result, I have no reason to enjoy it or compare it to, rather like the rather different but very interesting re-makes of Cinderella and the Jungle Book. Here’s hoping the upcoming remakes of Aladdin and the Lion King are better than this.

9. The Party

The Party was one of several films that I saw at the London Film Festival and this was easily the worst dreg of the festival. This is clearly made for ‘snobby London people’ that when you say you didn’t like the film, they will say “oh, you didn’t get it”. Yes, well I did get it and it was still appallingly bad. The film is just a collection or horrible people doing horrible things for no rhyme or reason and wouldn’t know a good plot twist if it was thrown in its face! The film lasts only seventy-six minutes and it feels like it is two hours long! This is one of the worst written films I saw all year and it’s mainly because it thinks it’s ‘pretentious twaddle’ disguising itself as acting like its smart. It’s a shame too as the cast is made up of very talented performers, including Cillian Murphy, Timothy Spall and Christian Scott Thomas, who deserve a much better script. Do not seek this one out.

8. The Mummy

Yes, I know I am jumping on the band wagon, but I don’t care. This is one boring film that seems to only exist to create the dark Universe. The film is incredibly exposition heavy, and all of it seems to set up to create this idea of this wider mythology that is entirely unnecessary. The film sets up this idea, but forgets to be its own movie. As a result, it’s one dull dreg that I didn’t really have much fun watching. It can’t decide if it wants to be serious like the early Karloff film or a fun romp like the Stephen Summer’s film that starred Brendan Frasier, it should have picked one and stuck with it and as a result, it’s mediocre at best and downright terrible at worst. Avoid.

7. King Arthur Legend of the Sword

Yes, my hopes for the Aladdin remake being any good have severely plummeted considering that Guy Ritchie this year gave us this film, which is easily his worst to date. Here is an idea, let’s make Arthurian Legend by mixing Game of Thrones with a cockney knees up!! This film is incredibly long, over complicated and a terrible script. This is one of the dumbest scripts I have seen all year. Also, the editing is atrocious. The action scenes in this film are so appalling that it was downright impossible to tell what is happening. It’s not just those, the dialogue scenes were also atrociously edited, how do you manage that! I saw the film in 3D and because of the darkening effect the glasses have, these action scenes were even harder to see. This film gets nothing right and it is a terrible vehicle for Viking star Charlie Hunnam and I suspect he won’t be getting many more film roles after starring in this piece of crap!!

6. Triple X The Return of Xander Cage

Hey everyone, it’s the third entry in the franchise you all forgot about! Seriously, who was asking for another Triple X film, this was a franchise clearly set in late 1990’s early 2000’s extreme sports craze and it has not aged well. And, since that fad is almost entirely dead, the film has no choice but try and be a lame Fast and Furious rip off. This film is one boring, terribly directed film that is coasting by on a franchise you probably forgot even existed. Granted, I didn’t mind the first Triple X film, I thought it was a fine enough film, if a bit boring and dated in parts, but it actually had some fun moments and kind of had the ‘it’s so bad’ it’s good quality to it. The Return of Xander Cage has none of that, it takes itself way too seriously and as a result, leaves you with a film you couldn’t possible enjoy and it sets up for future sequels that no one is going to ask for. Save your money and send the message that we don’t want any more of these films.

5. Assassins Creed

The first film I saw this year and nearly ended up being my worst, good thing this wasn’t on omen of the year to come. Assassins Creed is one of the worst video game adaptations I have ever seen and I have not minced my words when I have said that. How can a Shakespearean director doing Assassins Creed fail as miserably as this! It’s very clear the director has no idea how to direct action scenes especially the par core scenes since these scenes are so terribly edited, I lost complete focus about what was actually happening. You could say that Michael Fassbender is at least delivering a decent performance, but the film has no idea what to focus on. It doesn’t balance its two plot lines out like the Games do relatively well, or stick to the past as later entries have wisely done, but stays more in the present day, which is the least interesting aspect of any Assassins Creed story.

Also, the changes made from the game made absolutely no sense. I will say at least the films aesthetically looks like it is from the Assassins Creed Universe, but god is this a bad one. Seriously stay away from this one and this has really lowered my expectations for the next upcoming Lara Croft film, which you can expect a review of some time around February or March when it comes out.

4. Chips, California Highway Patrol

Now, it’s a remake of a show from the seventies which you probably forgot existed. I have never seen this show prior to watching this film, but I think, even if I had, it wouldn’t have helped and from I have heard from people who have seen this show, this film is nothing like that. Chips is one crude awful comedy that had me gagging every five minutes. The film has some incredibly awful homophobic humour, when it is not trying to gross you out with some scatological humour. Also, there is a running gag about one of the highway patrol guys having a phobia of cat litter trays. No, that is not a mistype, that is genuinely in the film!! Michael Pena, with every film he has done since Ant Man seems to be burning every bridge he has had with the critics since that film. Thank Christ he has got another one of those ones coming out this year to rebound his reputation. I could go into more detail about why this film is atonally awful and all over the place, but frankly I don’t want to talk any more about this film. It’s just terrible in every sense of the word.

3. Transformers the Last Knight

Yes, anybody that read my review of this one is probably surprised this isn’t number one and any other year it almost certainly would have been, but there were two films this year that put even less effort in than Transformers did and when I am saying that, you should be retiring from film making!! It doesn’t help that Transformers The Last Night is the same god dammed movie as every single other film!!! Nothing has changed, it’s the same jock humour, the same awful effects, the same awful action scenes that cater to the lowest common denominator of film goers. These films actually treat their audiences like idiots and this film is no different. You want an example of it, the Nostalgia critic did and entire review of this film, having not seen it, describing what he felt the plot was going to be and he was one hundred percent correct. These films are stupid, awful and don’t have any more place in the cinema. Fortunately, it seems like everyone voted with their wallets considering that film made a lot less than the previous films, which might finally show Paramount that we are sick of them.

2. Resident Evil The Final Chapter

This is a film that wasn’t just bad in a sense that this was another awful Resident Evil film, it actually made my entire watch through of all five of the previous films prior to seeing this one, entirely pointless. The film seems to abandon half of what had built up to this point, if not most of its plot points, just to suit a conclusion that was also awful. This film is just terrible in every sense of the word, not only does it abandon every terrible plot point that came before it, it comes up with ones that are even worse. That’s not before it brings back a villain from a previous film purely because the actor got big on Game of Thrones, which means Albert Westger had to be demoted, but its final conclusions were so stupid I could not believe what I was watching. That’s not before it decides to rip off the plot of the first Kingsman film towards the end. Seriously it is time to quit with Resident Evil. Please let this be the final chapter, I cannot take any more of Paul Anderson showing off his wife Milla Jovovich in these films and making her a complete Mary Sue character no one could possible root for. Let’s hope the re-boot of Resident Evil coming out will be better than this.

1. Emoji Movie

Yes, this was no shock! The Emoji movie is one of the worst films of my professional career. I hated every single audience insulting second of this piece of crap!! Patrick Stewart as a poop Emoji, really! Not to mention this film rips of virtually every other successful animated family film prior to this but doesn’t understand what made them great in the first place and just tries to get their audience in and out. It’s appropriate that prior to this film they were being endorsed by McDonalds because this film is junk food at the highest order with nothing but empty calories. The characters are stock, it’s constantly ripping of Inside Out and Wreck It Ralph, with no original ideas of its own.
The performances are obnoxious, the climax of the film makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. The whole things acts as one massive advert, including one point, where the film stops for five minutes, to do a Just Dance advert, I am not joking!!! When I went to have my lunch after seeing this film the waiter actually had to ask if I was ok because I apparently looked visibly awful after seeing it I am not joking!! This film is one of the worst things I have ever had to work with in my profession career and I hope I never see it again. I would personally buy every copy of this film to burn it if I won the Lottery tomorrow.

So that is my list of the Worst Films of 2017. Let me know if any films I have missed deserve to be on this list.
Now you probably don’t want to end the year of that so why not check out my Best Films of 2017 list where I give you some excellent recommendations of some list that came out this year.
Calvin – Nerd Consultant

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Posted in Anime and Gaming
One comment on “Top Ten Worst Films of 2017
  1. Linda Buchan says:

    Suffice it to say we shall not be buying any of these

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